Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
