Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
