I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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