First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
