Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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