Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
