So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
