fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
