you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
