After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
