So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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