Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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