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Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it's like iHOP with fire
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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