I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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