I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
