She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
