Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
