how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
