how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
