I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
