last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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