Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
