hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
