I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
