So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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