I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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