Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
