Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
