and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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