i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
