wanna go halves on a baby?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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