I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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