omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
A+ Viking dick
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
