kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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