lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
