I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
