Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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