conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So many bounce houses so little time
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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