Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
