My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
