I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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