It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
