3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
