wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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