Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
