Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
