Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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