I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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