It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
