I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
