i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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