You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
