Banned from zoo.
Again?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
