Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
